If you ran Hollywood, what movies would you make?

[Rollo Tomassi]

Ack. Rereading this topic makes me miss BumCake.

[anarky]

It occurs to me that a movie based on Benedict Arnold could be interesting. Don't focus too much on the "guy was a fucking traitor" angle. Show why he did it, and what happened to him later in life. Don't paint him as a hero, either. Just as a human being with some reason for switching sides. Don't make any moral judgment one way or the other about what he did, just present it in dramatic fashion.

The tagline could be something along the lines of "You know him as a turncoat. But what would you do in his place?"

Also, a series of movies about Rome. Sure, I know the comparisons to the show will come out of the woodwork. Each movie is based on a single emperor, and it jumps around in chronology as it goes from most interesting to least. Constantine I, Romulus Augustulus, Gaius Caligula, Nero, Commodus, and Elegabalus would be pretty obvious choices. (Sure, there's that shitpile movie about Caligula, and Gladiator featured a Commodus who owed more to Caligula and Nero than Commodus, but fuck both those movies. Well, okay, don't fuck Gladiator, since I rather liked it, no matter how inaccurate. But fuck Caligula up its fucking "worst movie ever" ass.) Make them as historically accurate (based on a combination of the contemporary historians and modern ones) as possible.

Maybe I'm nuts, but there are so many awesome historically-based films that could be made. I wouldn't even bitch about movies that take major liberties (like The Last Samurai or The Patriot), so long as they're good. They would have to be good, though. I tried to think of a third that took such huge liberties and was actually good, and came up with nothing.

A biopic of Leadbelly. Seriously, all joking about that motherfucker aside, his life story was awesome.

Really surprised there's not been a major biopic about Robert Johnson (either factually-based or playing up the supernatural angle--and, no, the fucking awesome Crossroads does not count since it only mentioned him and was really about his friend, po' Willie Brown).

A fictional (Yes, fictional. Fuck the wackos.) movie that compiles all the Roswell/Area 51 mythology and presents itself as historical, based on the shit-ton of pseudo-history people have cooked up.

(Sorry, whatever crashed at Roswell was manmade and top secret. And Area 51 is where they build airplanes the rest of the world hasn't dreamed of. Give humanity some credit. I don't doubt aliens exist somewhere, and don't 100% doubt there's a possibility they've been here (just 99.5% doubt), but we don't have any crashed ships in our custody.)

[Rollo Tomassi]

The Tagline would be "Treason is a Matter of Dates"
And I'd totally watch a Benedict Arnold film.

Never speak ill of Gladiator. The music score alone is enough to give it a pass. But then you add in the actual movie itself and you can punch the Pope and he'd be all "Why the fuck did you just punch me?" and you'd be "Gladiator." and he'd be all "I accept that answer."

[anarky]

The only real beef I have with Gladiator is easily brushed aside because of how good it is, but it's Commodus. Joaquin Phoenix was a perfect choice, both as the real Commodus and the Nero/Caligula/Commodus/several other bad emperors hybrid in the movie.

But the movie would have been so much better, or at least far more insane, if Commodus had been Commodus.

The real Commodus thought he was Hercules (this "thinking you're a Roman god or demigod" must've been a job requirement of being a crazy emperor), dressed in lion skins, and preferred fighting in the arena to actually empering. (I just coined that word. And trademarked it.) He was known to fight bears, lions, and even elephants, but preferred just brutally killing crippled Romans. He used gold dust to color his hair and beard gold. He was not a wimpy fellow, either.

That would've been epic as hell. Probably not as good a movie, though, now that I think about it.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Gladiator Fun Fact. Commodus was originally offered to Jude Law. I've often wondered how that version would've turned out.
I've also wondered how Oliver Reed didn't take home a (posthumous) Best Supporting Actor Oscar.

[anarky]

A thought occurred to me this morning.

Hollywood should start making movies based on concept albums. But not fucking acid-fueled shitfests like The Wall or Tommy. They should start taking the plots of various concept albums, make a strong, cohesive script based on it, and make good movies. Maybe have the title song or the most iconic song in the credits, but, otherwise, not even any other songs from the album (unless they're truly timeless).

A few ideas that come immediately to mind on this front:

Kilroy Was Here and Joe's Garage -- two very different tales about a rock star in a fascist future where rock has been banned. Soundtrack for KWH is based on instrumental versions of various Styx songs (with Kilroy singing other Styx numbers), with Mr. Roboto during the end credits. Joe's Garage is completely scored by various Zappa guitar solos (and the band playing some of his weirder early songs like "Let's Make the Water Turn Black"), with the title song playing in the end.

Desperado and Red-Headed Stranger -- I don't feel like going into them in detail anymore, so fuck you.

an untitled movie based on GNR's "Trilogy" from the Use Your Illusion albums (Don't Cry, November Rain, and Estranged), perhaps with other GNR ballads (Patience, So Fine, Since I Don't Have You) worked in

[RoIIo Tomassi]

Butterflies. It'd be like Hitchcock's The Birds, except with butterflies. Or any similar creature, like squirrels or hummingbirds or deer or something. Or chihuahuas. Something that people would laugh at when they heard the title and premise because it sounds lame as fuck. But after they left the theatre, they'd be fucking freaked out the next time they saw a butterfly or squirrel or whatever.

[Zaphod]

"young zaphod plays it safe: a jolly good sexytime adventure!!"

following their trouncing by the us team, the south korean women's volleyball team stands on the london bridge, planning to commit hara-kiri so that they don't have to face the wrath of kim jong il when they get home. (i know that kim jong il is dead, and he wasn't in south korea, and koreans don't commit hara-kiri, and london bridge is in arizona, but the average moviegoer is a fucking moron and doesn't know these things.) a dashing man who looks quite a bit like the hamburglar strolls up to them to find out what's wrong, and they confide their despair in him. to take their minds off their troubles, zaphod takes them back to his hotel room in big ben (again, fuck the stupidity of the average moviegoer), where he consoles them over and over and over all night long, deciding that the redheaded one seems extra distraught and taking pains to console her more, since redheaded asians are fucking hot.

the next day, the decidedly happier team is strolling down the street to the tune of "stayin' alive," though wobbling a bit, because they all got fucked hard, even the homely one. they run into the american team at bob's big boy (hey, those moviegoers are fucking morons!), and decide to challenge them to an informal game, in which they beat the holy fucking living shit out of them, so badly that the americans decide they're such pussies they must unknowingly be canadians. though it's off the record and they won't get a gold medal, the south korean team learns the true secret of being awesome volleyball players. it's not practice, or perseverance, or believing in yourself, or a catchy theme song by kenny loggins or stan bush. no, it's filling each and every one of their asian orifices to the brim with zaphod's sweet, sweet seed. oh, and lots of lesbian action while he watches in between fucking them. they decide to move into chester a. arthur's asshole with zaphod, and become so fucking awesome at volleyball that they end up saving the world from cylon volleyball players.

oh, and, at some point, zaphod fucks the american volleyball player destinee hooker, and leaves her to wake up and find fifty bucks and a note that said it was his destiny to fuck her, because i think that would be funny, and who the fuck would name their kid "destinee hooker"?

[Darth Vader]

... and who the fuck would name their kid "destinee hooker"?

I'll tell you who would name their kid "Destinee Hooker." Empire Strikes Back was edited heavily for time. We were all there for well over a year. Not long after Luke, Han and Leia arrived, Lando's sister showed up and there was one hell of a party. Everyone had her. Chewbacca, Boba Fett, Ice Cream Maker guy, Lobot, a squad of Stormtroopers, Luke, the Bespin Guard with a mustache, and a few Ugnaughts. Well, 9 months later, Lando's sister had a daughter and named her Destinee. No one was sure who the father was, so we did a DNA test. Sure enough, it was Luke. I got the news first and went to tell Luke about it. I told him "It is your DESTINEE!" He started whining "No! That's impossible!". Then, he jumped off some weather vane thing and ended up hanging from a tv antenna. Lando had to go get him and calm him down.

A few weeks later, I tried freezing him in carbonite, we had a fight, and he fell off the same weather vane thing again.

[Tom Foolery]

Live Action Looney Toons movie. Not like SpaceJam or shit like that. More like Babe but starring actual rabbits, roadrunners, coyotes, ducks, etc. Modern day CG effects being what they are, this would be awesome.

[anarky]

"My Struggle"

A nice German guy named Adolf Hitler joins the army and fights in World War I. He quickly sees how pointless violence is, and decides to devote his life to peace and understanding among all mankind. However, one day, a mysterious portal opens up, and two people from the future jump out, hog-tie him, and take him to the year 2012. They say their names are Barbra Streisand and Gilbert Gottfried. And they tell him that he's destined to become a demented dictator and kill millions of people. Really? Could they have mixed him up with some other guy named Adolf? He's never hurt a fly. He's even somehow managed to be in the trenches of WWI without firing a shot. Nope, they've got the right guy. The mustache is a dead giveaway. It seems that time travel was finally invented, and everyone pretty much agreed the first use of the technology would be to kill him as a baby. Barbra and Gilbert thought this was a little harsh, even for how fucked-up evil he becomes, so they figured they'd try talking to him first. So they start telling him his entire future.

Young Hitler is quickly driven insane by having to listen to Gilbert Gottfried and Barbra Streisand (particularly after Barbra "sings" to him and brings Fran Drescher into the proceedings) for hours, and escapes back to his time. The damage is done, however. After spending even a few hours in close quarters with those two, forced to listen to their nonstop babble, has instilled within him a pathological hatred of the Jewish people. History ensues.

As a more uplifting epilogue, however, in a post-credits scene, Barbra Streisand and Fran Drescher are tried in Nuremberg and found guilty of the murder of ten million people, and sentenced to be hanged.

[RoIIo Tomassi]

Really? They get off with just a hanging?

[anarky]

Well, I was trying to make it consistent with the real Nazi war criminal trials.

[Ran]

If you believe Nostradamus could predict the future, he supposedly predicted Hitler. The problem is he used the name "Hister". Maybe the young version of Adolf has the last name of "Hister", but changes it to "Hitler" after he returns from the future.

[Diabolical]

And Nostradamus could meet Hister on the Danube river.