8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

movies are cool. here is a place to talk about how cool they are. or maybe how much they suck, sometimes. like that fucking piece of shit 'mac and me'. worst fucking movie ever, a two-hour ad for fucking coca-cola.

Moderators: Zero, John Madden, Bob Ross, General Zod, Richard Simmons, Batman

Post Reply
User avatar
Diabolical
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 7250
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 8:40 pm
Location: Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.

8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by Diabolical »

8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow:
8.The First Film Requires a Tedious Origin Story
7.The Sequels Must Have Multiple Villains
6. In Part 2, the Hero Must Reveal His Identity to Someone
5. Part 3 Must Feature an Evil Version of the Hero
4.The Hero Must Lose His Powers at Some Point
3.The Bad Guys Must Invade the Hero's Secret Hideout
2.A Villain Must Redeem Himself
1.The Fifth Film Reboots the Franchise

Highlights:
Rule 8. In Spider-Man 3, the previous origin story is changed so that the current villain (The Sandman, Marko Cain) is now the murderer of Uncle Ben, a plot point based entirely on the premise that none of the fans owned a DVD of the first film.
Rule 7. Michael Keaton's Batman fought the Joker first, then found himself simultaneously taking on the combination of the Penguin and Christopher Walken.
Rule 6. Michael Keaton, also in an effort to get into somebody's pants, reveals his secret identity in Batman Returns to his girlfriend and the Penguin, also revealing a previously unknown fact about Batman: his mask is made out of Fruit Roll-Ups.
Rule 5. Most of us are still having nightmares about Spider-Man 3, where Peter Parker, under the control of the alien symbiote, turned into the love child of Alex from A Clockwork Orange and John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, while looking oddly like a lesbian biker.
Rule 4. Perhaps the most the most mysterious of power losses comes in Spider-Man 2, where Spider-Man's powers start to slowly fade away for seemingly no reason, yet conveniently return when Mary Jane is kidnapped by Dr. Octopus.
Rule 3. This rule has the Cock Block Corollary: If the superhero is having trouble getting laid, letting the girl "invade" his secret headquarters will always do the trick (see Superman 2, Batman and both Fantastic Four movies.)
Rule 2. But on top of all that you have Sandman, who goes through a similar series of steps, but solely within the third film. He gets pity banked in the beginning of the film through the manipulative use of a sick young daughter, does several dastardly deeds and then does an abrupt heel turn right at the end by apologizing to Spider-Man and sobbing like a little bitch. This seems to set off a chain reaction that has all of the characters in the film spending the last 10 minutes of screen time sobbing.
Rule 1. The Rocky franchise got more and more inflated over the course of four films, culminating with Rocky, a legally retarded boxer, ending the Cold War.
I think it would be fun to try and use each and every one of these rules in a comic book series.
"As they say in China, 'Arrivederci'!"
Image
*For the creation of the Golden Deuce Award.
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 18044
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by anarky »

Corollary: When the franchise goes completely into the shitter early on, the reboot can come earlier, as in the fourth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, or, since the guys at Marvel are fucktards, the second Hulk and Punisher movies.
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
Sleazer
megatron
Posts: 1107
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:51 pm

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by Sleazer »

Since when is Rocky a comic book movie franchise ?????
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 18044
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by anarky »

If you read the entire thing, it says that non-comic movies can follow the "reboot" rule, and uses Rocky as an example.
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
Diabolical
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 7250
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 8:40 pm
Location: Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by Diabolical »

Well, they are pretty damn funny.
Oh, not that kind of comic.
:D


They were just saying that is doesn't exclusively apply to comic book movies.
"As they say in China, 'Arrivederci'!"
Image
*For the creation of the Golden Deuce Award.
User avatar
JON
sloth
Posts: 182
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:10 pm

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by JON »

Interestingly, almost the entirity of "unbreakable" is a tedious origin story.
KISS MY ASS! kISS MY ASS! I'M THE BIGGEST HATER!!!
User avatar
Ran
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 9076
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2006 1:46 pm
Location: barking up the wrong tree

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by Ran »

Does that mean ATOC rebooted Star Wars? Or, if you counted the Holiday Special, the 5th movie would be TPM.

I'm sure there is a Star Trek thing in there too, but I haven't seen all of the movies.
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 18044
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by anarky »

Except for the weirdness of the "go to the train station and you'll sense the bad guys," there's nothing tedious about Unbreakable.

It's like The Blues Brothers of superhero movies. That and The Incredibles would probably be the best comic book superhero movies ever made, if they were actually based on comic books.

Given Marvel's arrangement with Shymalamadingdang on that movie, and their love of celebrity writers, I wonder why he's not writing six of their titles?
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
vynsane
master of the universe
Posts: 6303
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2002 11:16 pm
Location: in my quiet place, punch-dancing out my rage
Contact:

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by vynsane »

anarky wrote:Given Marvel's arrangement with Shymalamadingdang on that movie, and their love of celebrity writers, I wonder why he's not writing six of their titles?
because it's really hard to convey talking... really........ slowly................. in..... print. and he's a one-trick pony. and that trick was already old before he started doing movies. the absolutely ONLY reason i liked unbreakable was because it was about a super-hero figuring out what he was. other than that it would've been the most boring-ass movie ever made.
Life is short. STUNT IT!
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 18044
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by anarky »

He is a one-trick pony, but it wasn't until he did the trick the third time that it was really blatantly obvious. In Unbreakable, you still didn't know to expect a twist, and it was a fairly subtle one, as his go. I figured out both Signs and The Village about ten minutes in, and they weren't nearly as good as his first two. I've still not seen Lady in the Water and am in no hurry to do so.
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
Diabolical
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 7250
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 8:40 pm
Location: Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by Diabolical »

There was no twist in Signs. What was there to figure out?
"As they say in China, 'Arrivederci'!"
Image
*For the creation of the Golden Deuce Award.
User avatar
anarky
sometimes not actually existing
Posts: 18044
Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2002 4:50 pm
Location: Fucking shit up, yo!

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by anarky »

They could be killed by water. It was really fucking clumsy, and even more cliched than clumsy.
Image
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
User avatar
Double_G
megatron
Posts: 1463
Joined: Tue Jun 05, 2007 7:28 pm
Location: Whore Island

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by Double_G »

I'm still laughing from the "Batman's mask is made of fruit roll-ups" quip. Seriously, was there no other way to get the mask off other than ripping it?
Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
User avatar
Sleazer
megatron
Posts: 1107
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:51 pm

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by Sleazer »

Star Wars was rebooted by Ewoks: The Battle for Endor
User avatar
Ran
(includes alternate sneering hissy fit head sculpt)
Posts: 9076
Joined: Sat Jan 14, 2006 1:46 pm
Location: barking up the wrong tree

Re: 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow

Post by Ran »

Double_G wrote:I'm still laughing from the "Batman's mask is made of fruit roll-ups" quip. Seriously, was there no other way to get the mask off other than ripping it?
It left him one bitchin' turtleneck.
Sleazer wrote:Star Wars was rebooted by Ewoks: The Battle for Endor
Oyes
Post Reply